The Waiting Game

So we're back to it kids. 

After a lovely 10 weeks of relative freedom after my Radiotherapy ended on my birthday. (I travelled!, saw far away friends!, drank craft beer! and didn't see Bears!), I was back at the East Wing of Barts in the PET centre for my CT scan on Saturday morning.

The lead lined room of fun was there to determine if the 20 sessions of zapping have actually killed the two spots of cancer activity left in my surgery and chemo ravaged body.

*New readers, 1) Hello! 2) I have Mediastinal germ cell cancer originating from a Testicular Teratoma way back in 1998*.  

The spots are on my right lung and my left pelvis. So we're hoping that this treatable but bloody resistant to be killed totally cancer has been well and truly got this time. 

I'm waiting now to see my consultant on Thursday 18th for the results. So I'm in an existential limbo right now. At the moment I'm feeling healthier than I have for almost all of the last two years. I'm riding my bike every day, I'm back at work full time and I've enough energy to see friends on the weekend. Also my hair is back! I feel vaguely normal again (and normal is the holy grail for any cancer patient). There are still problems, my voice is not great and gets tired easily, and I go to Guy's tomorrow morning to pick up my hearing aids. That's the price (and it's a heavy one) of entry to live my life. I'm gladly paying it and having lots of fun again. 

So I'm not sure how I'll take the news if it's not great. How will I feel if there's more treatment to be had, or in my 3am insomnia thoughts, no more treatment to be offered? After 3 different sets of chemotherapy, A 7 hour heart and lung operation, two stem cell transplants, losing my hair three times, and a month of radiotherapy.  I'm so sick of it all now it's tempting to say NO MORE, and take what comes. I think my body could probably just about take another round of chemo (if, and there might not be, a different combination of cytotoxins available for me) or radiotherapy. I'm really lucky that I work two minutes away from my hospital so I could keep on working (and importantly paying the rent) if that happens.

Psychologically I think I may be close to done though. Cancer's hardest battle is in your head and I'm thoroughly bored/tired with it now. My cancerversary (sic) is only 7 weeks away and to think I still would be in treatment would be devastating. Two years of my life constantly trying not to die is exhausting. I've friends going through similar treatments now to what I've had and they're handling it with a lot more grace, humour and dignity than I ever did. 

I've had a brilliant summer seeing some great sights and hanging out with my favourite people in the world. The luxury of not having to be in a hospital / GP surgery is wonderful. 

God this blog has turned into a bit of a downer hasn't it? But I'd say I'd always be as brutally honest on these pages as possible and that's what I'm doing.

I'm sure I'll find it in me somewhere to keep on trucking with it all. Too many people are invested in my life for me to ever give up. I'll keep going until I can't anymore, it's just a lie to say that it's an easy thing to do. So forgive me if we meet in the next week and I'm a grumpy git (some of you may not even notice a change). As Pete Tong says "We Continue!" I'm just sick of this bloody record. 

Currently I'm...Watching the Olympics...reading Rebecca Solnit's "Hope in The Dark"..listening to Chance the Rapper "Coloring Book"